Whether you are a clinician, peer, or a concerned loved one, understanding the stress and pain that come with having someone close to you with a substance use disorder (SUD) can be transformative. It not only alleviates suffering but also fosters compassion and resilience.
As both a clinician and the mother of two adult children in long-term sustained recovery, I deeply empathize with families—especially during the holiday season. My career started with my son’s alcohol and crack cocaine use. I thought that if I learned enough, I could help him. Over time, that changed to “If I am helping someone else’s son, perhaps, someone will be there to help mine.”
Regardless of your traditions or culture, December is often associated with family, celebration, and connection. We engage in holiday rituals: secret Santa gift exchanges with coworkers, indulging in festive treats, and enjoying the glow of colorful lights and decorations. Yet, for those with loved ones battling SUD, this season can feel far from joyful.
We may don cheerful smiles, exchange pleasantries, buy gifts, and prepare family traditions, but our hearts can feel heavy. I vividly remember many Christmases spent with my husband, feeling the absence of my son and daughter, who were consumed by substance use. Shame, judgment, and their inability to stop using kept them away.
Like many families, I initially tried to control the situation: reasoning, withholding resources, and calling incessantly to ensure their safety. If they answered the phone, I knew they were alive.
My son’s journey was particularly heartbreaking. Following in his father’s footsteps, he minimized his substance use, leaving me labeled as the “overly worried” one. Six years ago, he was rushed to the ER, bleeding uncontrollably due to severe liver damage. At 44, he was told he might not survive five months. Remarkably, he recovered, though his liver remains fragile. Today, he is alive and healthy, and for that, I am profoundly grateful.
Over time, I realized I couldn’t change my son. I had to let go of trying to fix him to keep him in my life. The hardest step was accepting that he might never stop using substances—and that this could mean outliving him.
Yes, I envisioned his funeral and prepared myself for the unthinkable. But accepting this worst-case scenario allowed me to cherish the time we had, however uncertain it felt.
Millions of families live in this same fear—dreading the call that their loved one is gone. They wonder: Why won’t they stop? What did I do wrong? Don’t they see what they’re doing to themselves? The internal dialogue of guilt, shame, and powerlessness can feel endless.
Many suffer in silence, stigmatized and misunderstood. Those fortunate enough to find support often discover that the solution doesn’t lie in fixing their loved one but in taking care of themselves.
The path to healing begins with self-care and self-reflection. Families have the right to happiness, even if their loved one is not in recovery.
Steps Toward Healing:
- Reconnect with Yourself
Reflect on what brought you joy before SUD consumed your life. What activities, hobbies, or relationships made you feel alive? - Assess the Impact
How much of your energy is consumed by fear and worry? Recognize how it affects your well-being. - Find Peace in Their Presence
Ask yourself if you can be relaxed and happy around your loved one as they are, not as you wish them to be. Learn essential tips and strategies in our downloadable guide, Navigation the Holidays: A Guide for Families of Individuals with Substance Use Disorder. - Set Boundaries
Identify the boundaries you need to enjoy time with your loved one without compromising your own emotional health. For tips on how to do this: Navigating Holiday Drama: A 5-Step Guide to Prepare for Peace This Holiday Season - Rediscover Your Identity
If SUD weren’t part of your life, who would you be? Explore that version of yourself.
Loving someone with a substance use disorder (SUD) means embracing the courage to accept what is beyond your control while prioritizing your own well-being. This is not a surrender—it is an act of profound compassion and strength for both yourself and your loved one.
Unfortunately, services for family members affected by SUD remain scarce. For years, a pervasive philosophy among some treatment providers has placed blame on family members for contributing to the SUD. Despite the ability to bill for collateral sessions, many programs still do not provide adequate support for families. While larger organizations like the Caron Foundation and Hazelden Betty Ford Center offer family services, many local programs fail to address this critical need.
At Authentic Trainings LLC, we are committed to changing this narrative by helping programs create comprehensive family services that go beyond surface-level education to actively involve families in the recovery process. We believe that family members deserve to be seen, heard, and supported as primary clients in every SUD treatment center—regardless of whether their loved one is in recovery.
Our approach prioritizes support for all family members, including children and siblings of individuals with SUD, a group often overlooked. The intense focus on the person with SUD often leaves others in the family feeling neglected, perpetuating cycles of isolation and unmet emotional needs.
By empowering treatment providers to offer inclusive and compassionate family services, we aim to foster healing for the entire family system—because recovery is a journey best navigated together.
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